Written by IainB
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Sunday, 11 March 2012

image for Pandas escape from Glasgow Zoo and go on a rampage
Do not approach, this is the most dangerous animal on the planet

Residents in Glasgow have been warned to be on the look out for the two Chinese Pandas that have been loaned to Glasgow Zoo in order for them to mate and produce baby pandas. According to the zoo owners, the pandas escaped their enclosure and are on the rampage through the streets of Glasgow.

"Most people don't realise how dangerous pandas are," said Justin Sidle, chief veterinarian at the zoo. "Although they are more related to raccoons than bears, they are vicious with razor sharp claws, and massive teeth that can sheer through a man's head with a quick snap. They may look placid and cumbersome, but a panda can run at fifty miles an hour and bring down a buffalo."

Reports of the Pandas have been seen as far away as the Upturned Wok on Royal Parade in the town centre, nearly half a mile from the zoo.

"It was terrifying," said Chengs McClure, owner of the Upturned Wok. "These two huge pandas burst in and started tearing the place to shreds. They found my bamboo supply and scoffed the lot. My business is ruined. They've caused nearly fifty pounds worth of damage! I should have listened to my mother and shot the buggers so we can sell them as medicine."

Innocent bystanders have been asked not to approach the pandas, which may be on a pre-mating frenzy.

"Just before mating," said Sidle, "pandas get very aggressive. They've been known to destroy whole villages in China. They have a phrase which translates as Beware The Horny Panda, and it means that there is trouble ahead. There is, however, no truth in the rumour that pandas kill humans and grind up their ear bones as an erectile dysfunction medication. We don't believe they can hold the pestle and mortar."

Police are combing the streets around Glasgow looking for the pandas.

"We're not very hopeful in finding them," said detective in charge, Gary Baldy. "Pandas are masters of disguise. They could lie down on a zebra crossing, and we'd drive right by them. Or they could strike a pose on one of the Kung Fu Panda 17 advertising posters, and we'd never see them. Cunning they are."

Police believe that the pandas may retreat into a garden shed during daylight hours, and have asked members of the public to open their shed doors very carefully.

"If there's a panda inside, and it is disturbed, it will slice open the shed owner with it's fifteen inch claws," said Baldy. "Proceed with care, and if you suspect your shed to have a panda in it, call us, and we'll send the most expendable police officers we have to capture them."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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