Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 6 March 2012

image for Vampires employed as Traffic Wardens
You're Pay And Display Has Expired! You're MINE

Several councils across the UK have taken to employing vampires as traffic wardens after a successful trial period in Altrincham, Cheshire.

"Wampires make wery good traffic vardens," said Altrincham's councillor, Vlad Le Impaler. "They vork tventy-four hours a day, three hundred and sixty-five days a year. Ve give them the leap day off."

The trial has shown how effective vampires are at being traffic wardens. They hunt in packs, singling out incorrectly parked vehicles and ticketing them in the blink of an eye. They have been known to miraculously appear at the exact instance a pay-and-display ticket expires. Additionally, they cannot be seen in wing mirrors. Although this has resulted in a number of them being 'accidentally' reversed over.

"At first ve thought that daylight vould be a problem," said Impaler. "Howewer, Altrincham has not seen sunlight since 1972. It is the land of perpetual cloud."

Death by parking violation has been on the rise in Altrincham since the switch to vampire traffic wardens, so much so that it is now classed as 'natural causes'. Owners of incorrectly parked vehicles that make the mistake of trying wheedle out of being ticketed have been known to wake up with two ticket shaped puncture marks in their necks and a yellow sticker on their car windscreen.

"The best reason for using wampires as traffic vardens," said Impaler, "is that they don't mind admitting they are wampires any more. As admitting they vere traffic vardens vould lower their social standing."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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