Feminists were left reeling today, as the results of a recent survey revealed that 9 out of 10 men - a shockingly shocking 90% in total - revealed that they'd rather have a Penguin, as opposed to succumbing to the womanly wiles of a feminist woman.
"Quite frankly, I find that hard to believe," said leading feminist, German Gear, originally from The Sandwich Islands. Somewhere off the Kent coast.
"Not so," insisted Martin Shuttlecock, a drunken wastrel from Hampshire. "I'd much rather have a Penguin meself. It's a lot less hassle."
"I'll have some of that," concurred retired 'satirist' Skoob1999. "There's something teasingly tantalising about a Penguin."
"I much prefer a Penguin any day of the week," opined Skoob Entertainment News's very own Buffty Ginslinger. "You really can't beat a bourbon biscuit with a chocolate cream filling. It's an exquisite taste sensation when dunked in a cup of top quality coffee, and it doesn't answer back and call your masculinity into question."
"I suppose there's a point to all this," staunch Manchester United fan Jarbo the killer conceded. "I mean, what it is, right, is that when you're with a woman, in an intimate setting, there's a certain pressure to perform. Especially if she's a rabid feminist. But you just don't get that with a McVities chocolate biscuit. You can relax and be yourself, without fear of injurious criticism. With none of that thrusting about like something demented, and the sweat, and the raised blood pressure, and the resultant minging body odour. That smells a bit like bad haddock and that. It's far more relaxing - just eating a chocolate biscuit."
"I agree wid dem dare Mancs, for once, like, lar an dat," said Liverpool football fan Micky McWhack. "Much rather 'ave a Penguin meself, like, an dat. Yers can't go wrong wid a choccy biccy - whereas yer can wid Dirty Doreen down der Dock Road for two quid an arf a laaager. An dat. Liv-er-pewl Liv-er-pewl Liv-er-pewl! Where was I an dat lar? No idea. Me neither. Hey, I love John Bishop me! I betcha he scoffs Penguins all der time. Rich priveleged wanker!"
"Excuse me," interjected Kent based feminist, German Gear. "But I thought we were talking about sex here. About males preferring flightless semi aquatic antarctic birds over panting and gagging for it feminist women. I appear to have been misled. But it is, at the end of the day, a two way street - given the option of sucking a scabby cock and eating a bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk - I'd opt for the chocolate every time. Fuck - I'd rather have a crap kebab..."
More as we get it.