Written by Simon Saunders
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Thursday, 1 March 2012

image for Attempted Armed Robbery At Little Divot Post Office
Weapan similar to the one used in the robbery.

The crime epidemic that has hit the once sleepy village of Little Divot reached a disturbing level yesterday after an armed man attempted to rob the local post office.

Villagers were left stunned recently after half an ounce of weed and three cannabis cigarettes was found at a property in Marrakech Avenue.

This latest shocking crime has left many villagers pondering the future of Little Divot.

Post office counter assistant, Barbara Peddle, who was working at the time of the attempted robbery, described her terrifying ordeal.

Mrs Peddle, 45, said, "This bloke came into the post office waving his arms about all over the place. He approached my counter, threatened me with his left arm and then demanded that I hand over all the stamps we had. It was at this point that I deliberately soiled myself in an attempt to scare him off. Thankfully it worked. I had a curry last night so the smell was awful."

The police praised Mrs Peddle's actions. Detective Inspector Pat Diddy had this to say, "Mrs Peddle was very brave throughout her ordeal. It was an ingenious idea for her to soil herself. Clearly, her actions prevented a bloodbath and also the possibility of a devastating stamp shortage in the village. I expect she'll get a medal or something."

Police also issued a description of the man they are looking for, given to them by Mrs Peddle.

DI Diddy read out the description. "The man we're looking for is white, or possibly black. Aged between sixteen and eighty. Had two arms. Short long blondy black hair. Around five to six feet tall. Mrs Peddle also says that the assailant fled in a car with four wheels."

DI Diddy appealed for anyone knowing a man who fits this description to come forward, adding, "If Mrs Peddle's description doesn't help us find this man then I don't know what will."

Mrs Peddle's husband, Clive, also 45, was asked what he thought of the shocking events. He said, "Well, the wife had three Lemsip's this morning and, to be honest, she was a bit giddy when she left for work. I wouldn't be surprised if it was all a figment of her imagination. The silly woman claimed that Elvis went into the post office last month to buy some padded envelopes. Everyone knows that Elvis doesn't live here. He lives in Even Littler Divot. They have a perfectly good post office there so why would he come here? Personally I think she's finally lost her marbles."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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