Written by Simon Saunders
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Tuesday, 28 February 2012

image for Woman Cuts Off Own Head In Hairdressing Accident
Use scissors to cut your hair. Not a chainsaw.

Hilda Tightwad, a 53 year old former dinner lady from Hinge, West Bracketshire, died yesterday after cutting her own head off while attempting to trim her hair.

Her devastated husband, Roger, who is confined to a wheelchair after a sheep worrying accident two years ago, explained what had happened to his beloved wife.

Fighting back tears, he said, "Well, I was minding my own business in our garden, stealing apples from our neighbour's overhanging apple tree when I heard a terrible whining noise. At first I thought the missus had begun one of her nagging episodes, but when the whining stopped I heard a window smash and a sickening thud. So I wheeled myself indoors to find my wife's body on the hallway floor. I looked over to the door and could see that the glass had been smashed. Her head was on the front porch, so I can only assume it must have shot off and crashed through the front door."

Mr Tightwad continued, "The missus wanted to save a few quid on haircuts, so she suggested I should buy her a chainsaw so she could do it herself. I wouldn't mind, but I've not got a clue how I'm going to get the blood out of the hallway carpet. Cleaning was my wife's department."

President of the Association of Registered Stylists (A.R.S), Debbie Bottomburp, warned others not to use chainsaws to cut their hair.

Miss Bottomburp said, "We have repeatedly warned people about using chainsaws to give themselves a little trim. Saving a few quid is all very well in these difficult financial times, but not if it costs you your head."

Mrs Tightwad's former boss at Hinge Primary School, Morag McStiffie, paid tribute to her ex employee. "Hilda was a fabulous dinner lady, all the kids loved her. It's so sad to hear this tragic news. Having said that, I'm not surprised. She was always a bit accident prone. The reason she quit her job was because she almost drowned in a bowl of custard last year."

DCI James Foolish, the investigating officer, was unavailable for comment today, as he was at his local launderette washing his trousers after apparently wetting himself from laughing so much.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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