Written by Simon Saunders
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Tuesday, 28 February 2012

image for Leaked Government Documents Reveal Secret Falkland's Plan
UK government will use a straw to extract the oil bypassing traditional methods

The British government has drawn up secret plans to tow the Falkland Islands nearer to the British mainland.

According to the leaked documents, the secret operation, named 'Disaster Waiting To Happen', will supposedly take place when the Argentine government are "looking the other way."

This would explain why the UK has expanded it's military presence in the region in recent months.

Minister for Towing, David Caravan, declined to comment on the revelations, only saying that it was merely speculation and that he would not be drawn into discussing any potential Towing projects.

The leaked document also seemed to confirm that the Ministry for Stealing Oil will also be involved in the operation.

No one from either ministerial office was willing to comment publicly on the matter. Although an anonymous aide close to Cyril Dipshit, the Minister for Stealing Oil, said, "This has nothing to do with oil. Well, ok, maybe just a little bit. Both minister's main concern is the safety of the British citizens who live on the islands."

It is unclear how Britain will extract the oil around the Falkland's once the islands have been towed away. However, we believe that the UK government hopes that once the Argentine government notices that the Falkland's have disappeared they will be so determined to find the islands that they will forget all about the oil.

Oil industry expert, Martin Slick, reckons that the government have been secretly working on new straw technology in an attempt to extract the oil more cheaply than current methods.

Mr. Slick said, "It is my belief, based on what I was told by a man in the local petrol station, that the winner of the 'UK's Strongest Man' contest, Jeff Steroid, will be involved in extracting the oil. Once the oil has been located, a large straw will be inserted into the sea bed and Mr. Steroid will use his incredible lung capacity to suck the oil back to the UK.

Argentine President, Diego Corneobeefo, dismissed the story, calling it "tragically pathetic."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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