Taciturn Yorkshireman, Ken Mither, of Cleckhuddersfax was recovering quietly at home today after being menaced by a rampaging flock of psychopathic sheep at the Scrag End bus stop in the West End of the town.
The incident happened shortly before lunchtime today, as Ken Mither was waiting for the 11:11 bus into town, where his intention was to lobby the council to enforce a by-law making the serving of proper gravy compulsory in all food retail outlets within the borough.
But especially wherever chips are sold.
What ought to have been a routine excursion rapidly descended into the realms of nightmare, as Ken Mither found himself unexpectedly confronted by several seemingly aggressive sheep, which were blocking the pavement and barring his way to the bus stop.
Mither revealed - as he sipped from a pint mug of steaming hot tea and sparked up another roll-up:
"I cun't believe it. I mean, I'd heard that they were avvin a spot o bother wi' sheep an that, burra never expected this! Bloody sheep were t' last thing on me mind - I were more concerned abaht gravy ter be honest wi thee, like. Anyroad, I were just comin' up tert Scrag End Bus stop fert number 47 at eleven eleven, when I fahnd me road blocked wi' sheep. An' I'll tell thee this fer nowt - they weren't for bloody movin' fer Mither neither. I tried ter get by 'em, but they were 'avin none of it. Buggers were squarin' up fer a scrap. It were a bit fright'nin' ter be honest. At fost, they just stood int way, blockin' me road like, but then they started gerrin aggressive, purrin their 'eads dahn and comin' forrard as like to tup me. Then they started chasin' me, the woolly backed buggers. I 'ad ter leg it. I just abaht geet back ter our house i' time an' managed ter slam't doo-er shut. It were close, burra wont avin' that. So I sharted at t buggers. 'I'll 'ave thee wi' bloody gravy tha rum lot o beggars!' I sharted. 'An' mint sauce!' Bastards..."
A police spokesman said that an investigation was under way, and that to date, there was no trace of the aggressive sheep. He attributed the sheep's unnaturally intimidatory behaviour to early onset Schmallenberg virus, or something. Adding that he never, ever, under any circumstances whatsoever has chips 'baht' gravy.
Nor lamb baht mint sauce.
Less it's in a doner kebab or a shepherd's pie or summat.
More as we get it.