Written by Simon Saunders
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Sunday, 26 February 2012

image for Cops Call Time On Good Time Girl
Cops on their way to raid another knocking shop. Spoilsports.

Call girl to the stars, Jenny Tillwart, yesterday called time on her career as a provider of pleasure blaming police harassment for her decision.

Jenny, 96, claims that her knocking shop has been raided every week for the last three months after she had refused to accept a deal from police. She alledges that they had offered to continue turning a blind eye to her activities if she provided them with free services.

Miss Tillwart commented, "Enough is enough, the cops have gone too far this time. I'm not getting any younger and I really don't have the energy to take on the police. Legally I mean. Not professionally. Professionally I could handle them all."

She continued, "It's a bloody shame really. I mean, the coppers were a nice little earner on the side for me and I'd already knocked off 40% from my usual prices to keep them happy. It's my celebrity clients I feel most sorry for. They could trust me to keep my mouth shut, so to speak. Also, I provided a valuable service to my celebs when they were feeling down because of the pressures of stardom. For example, one of my biggest and most regular celeb punters, who I won't name, had just finished working on the film 'Notting Hill' when he first picked me up. He was feeling low after some personal problems but I soon perked him up."

"Nobody does it better than me," boasted Jenny. "My experience is second to none. Eighty years I've been doing this, and let me tell you, I've done some things that would make your teeth curl. Now it's all over, all gone. Nobody can replace me, nobody."

Earlier today, in an interview with Henry Teacake of the 'Daily Swinger', she was asked what her plans for the future were. She replied, "I've had an offer to become the resident sexpert on channel 55's 'The Wrong Stuff', hosted by Matthew Wrong. I turned the offer down because, although I've worked with a lot of pricks over the years I draw the line at working with Matthew Wrong. To be honest, I'll probably just put my feet up, but not in a pervy way."

The policeman alledgedly in charge of the raids, Chief Inspector Paul Swine of the Metropolitan Police, was unavailable for comment last night as he was hiding from his wife under the stairs after she found out he'd left the toilet seat up again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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