The world's happiest couple, Derek and Doreen Plimpton, of Port Isaac, Cornwall, currently basking in the glow of a 60 year long period of marital bliss, today revealed the secret behind their happy union.
"I do as I'm told," Derek told reporters. "I don't drink, I don't smoke, I never even glance at other women, I never watch football on the telly, always agree with whatever she says, never argue with her, and basically jump whenever she says 'Frog!' It's not much of a life to be honest, but whatever it takes to keep the peace... It helps living in an idyllic location like Port Isaac, which is where they film Doc Martin for the telly. I'm not so sure that it would have been such a happy story had we lived in Moss Side. But you can't have everything."
A beaming and positively radiant Doreen added:
"Lasting relationships are easy, providing that your man bows to your every whim. It gets a bit tedious when he won't argue with you - especially when you're bristling for a fight, and he just soaks it all up like a big damp sponge. But that's what usually happens when you marry a spineless wimp. It's not very exciting, but you can always get that by shagging the milkman, or the barman down the local pub. Personally, I'd rather have married Clark Gable - but he'd never have stood for my infidelities and domineering personality. So I had to make do with Derek. As he so rightly says - you can't have everything. And he's dead right there. He can't. But I'll make the most of it while the going's good."
At which point Derek retreated to the kitchen, saying that he was going to stick his head in the gas oven.
More as we get it.