Rome, Italy - Tuesday 7 March 2006 - (Rioters): The Rome office of the chief Public Prosecutor in charge of the God's Banker's Dodgy Taxation Lawyer investigation issued a series of terse statements today following increasing speculation in the UK press this weekend that claimed the beleagured Culture Club secretary Tessa Jowl is about to be dumped by Tony Blair and elevated to the House of Lords in the Prime Minister's annual Ides of March Honours List.
Of special interest to the Italian authorities are the curious anomalies of Ms Jowl's Attacks-Exempt-Special-Savings-Accounts ("Tossers") which appear to have been registered to a private London business address listed as the Hampstead branch of The Riggs Bank, c/o Petri Dish Cottage, Agar Agar Grove, Kuntish (sic) Town, North London. "This may be the spawning ground we are looking for", said a spokesman for the Rome Prosecutor. "Jowl is the obvious brains behind her husband's Stella Rimington career and in all probability the UK's No1 Poodle-sucker par excellence."
The Department for Culture, Media and Sport declined to comment on current allegations "that the whole rotten business stinks to high heaven" despite continuing TV coverage today showing heavily gas-masked officers from the UK's Serious Fraud Office taking away several skip-fulls of items seized in a raid on the Jowl/Mills London residence. Reports that the head of the Fraud Squad raiding party had to be hospitalised after becoming infected with projectile vomiting syndrome during the raid have yet to be confirmed.
Meanwhile, an ever-confident Tony Blair continued to heap public praise on his Culture Secretary and made light of speculation that he himself may have been the lucky beneficiary of her husband's professional taxation advice regarding home loans and mortgages secured for him and wife Cherie on properties acquired on their behalf by convicted Australian fraudster Peter Foster:
"I have every confidence in the Tessa account", said Mr Blair, "and have seen no shred of evidence whatsoever suggesting that she and her husband have been milking the Inland Revenue, screwing the Treasury, perverting the judiciary, hoodwinking the Serious Fraud Squad, acting as financial advisors to General Pinochet, hiring mercenary hoodie heroin dealers for the 7/7 London bombings or making squillions for Opus Dei members in dodgy offshore tax havens run for years and years by Berlusconi's gangsters.
"Further, reports that Tessa had to perform an intimate act of religious homage upon the personage of His Eminen the Pope in order to guarantee the Italian vote for the 2012 Olympics are also highly inaccurate, as well as being totally prejudicial to my wife Cherie who secured the actual Pontifical Audience where the Laying on of Hands ceremony was enacted prior to the official Anointing with Oils. Any multi-million dollar transfers to the Vatican from the Hampstead branch of the Riggs Bank are purely coincidental and entirely unconnected to the succesful outcome of the British Olympic bid."
The Italian autorities are due to make an announcement on 15 March confirming whether Mills is to be arrested for the 1982 London murder of God's Banker.