Written by Simon Saunders
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Wednesday, 22 February 2012

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abacus

Tory Chancellor Tristram Tossington-Whelk was left red faced yesterday after yet another mathematical gaffe.

Tossington-Whelk was holding his monthly press conference when he was quizzed on the size of the national debt by Dee Parting of the 'Daily Bowel Movement.'

Mr Tossington-Whelk struggled for a few moments before attempting to calculate the answer on his abacus. Several minutes later, and clearly shaken, Tossington-Whelk announced that the national debt was "about 12 pence."

As he slithered his way out of the press conference to howls of laughter, he further embarrassed himself when he was heard berating his senior advisor, Niall Eejit. Believing his microphone was off, he shrieked, "I know that bloody abacus was faulty. It's all your fault Eejit, you treacherous sod."

Continuing to shriek, he said, "I knew I should of stuck to using my fingers for counting. The P.M is going to be apoplectic."

Still not realising his microphone was on, he continued his tirade, "If the scumbags in the press find out that I failed G.C.S.E Maths twice, I'll be finished. I only got into the Greek School of Economics because my dad bribed the head economics lecturer."

Labour Shadow Chancellor, Neil Titshuffle, mocked his opposite numbers latest in a long line of gaffes in a statement he read to the media.
"This unbelievable miscalculation by the so-called chancellor only serves to reinforce my belief that he and his government are nothing more than a bunch of incompetent nincompoops. Furthermore, it is my belief that the Chancellor has used beans in the past to calculate tax revenues. He's more out of his depth than a dwarf in a swimming pool. Besides, everyone knows that the debt is nearing 50p now. He's beyond a joke now, he should do the honourable thing and resign."

Earlier today, Tossington-Whelk responded. "I'm not going to be lectured to by someone who thinks the budget is a small bird." Referring to Titshuffles mistake last year when he was asked what he would do about the budget. Titshuffle had said, "Well, I'd buy it a lovely spacious cage and one of those mirrors they love to have."

Prime Minister Harvey Sideswipe, on his weekly holiday in Tuscany, was unavailable for comment. Although it is hard to see how the chancellor can survive the next cabinet shake-up after another embarrassing gaffe.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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