The Government announced a controversial new law yesterday designed to curb the rise in British obesity.
Tory Health Minister, Sir Geoffrey Poshlaces QC explained. "The new legislation makes it a legal requirement for all take-aways and fast food outlets to lace one in every twenty meals with enough arsenic to kill."
When quizzed on the potential consequences, 350lb Sir Geoffrey responded, "It makes eating fast food a real health lottery and that can only be a good thing for this country."
He wittered on, "As Health Minister I have a responsibility to make us a healthier nation and relieve some of the strain on the NHS. If that means killing a few thousand people, well so be it."
Asked if it was an attack on the poor, Sir Geoffrey gassed, "No,no,no. I love the poor. I employ around one hundred of them at my five hundred acre country estate. Lovely people, if a little smelly."
Rumours instantly spread that the government were about to roll out similar legislation into the alcoholic drinks market. Gin soaked Sir Geoffrey, coincedently the owner of the Tennant's brewery, slurred, "Absolutely not! How ridiculous. I don't know of anyone dying as a result of alcohol consumption. Preposterous and irresponsible rumours like that could start a nationwide panic. I'm outraged."