Written by Backandtotheleft
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Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Children were reunited with their parents today after a dramatic siege at the "Little Monkeys" play area in central Kettering. The drama began at closing time when several toddlers took action to stop, what they viewed, as a premature closing, and seized several children as hostages. Having completely sealed themselves within the upper level play area, they began to issue a series of unknown and unintelligible commands to the sites bemused staff.

A little after 6:00pm an attempt to storm the toddler kingdom was met with fierce resistance. Two staff members were taken as additional hostages and several others severely scratched. The police arrived amid a flurry of activity outside as angry (and probably drunk) parents tried to force their way into the building. Fourteen of the concerned parents were arrested by the police. The rest were dispersed backwards with tear gas and baton.

The first attempt to communicate with the infants inside was met by a barrage of raspberries being blown, drenching the Chief Superintendant with pre pubescent spittle. After much negotiation a consignment of Jaffa cakes and juice boxes was sent to the children as a sign of goodwill. After a period of silence (the police later confirmed it was nap time) more garbled remarks were shouted down through the netting sides at those assembled below. When their demand for various plush animal toys was flatly rejected the worst happened. A scream pierced the eerie silence and into which was tossed a grisly reminder of how cruel mankind could be. A staff members sawn off hand.

After this gruesome twist the decision to take out the younglings was made with a heavy heart, and a compromise made with the parents the police would only use force on the ringleaders of the sit in. Operation Toddler Takedown begun at 2200 with tear gas pumped into the building. A sustained fire fight in the upper levels of the playpen concluded with twelve police officers shooting each other respectively, in the ensuring confusion and the children being freed.

Jubilant parents, worried sick after the ordeal, clutched their offspring to their chests vowing never to let them out of their sight again. With their lineage once again secured the parents made excuses to one another, and all legged it without paying the bill for the "Little Monkeys" party the children had attended.

What started out as an idyllic party at a soft play area soon deteriorated into something far more sinister. Although this reporter cannot help but feel it was merely just a overblown case of toys being thrown out of the pram.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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