Written by IainB
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Monday, 20 February 2012

image for Drought! South-East England swelters under normal weather
Manchester, any day of the week, as London looks longingly on

From London to Gainsborough, the south and east coasts of Britain have officially been labelled as Drought Stricken by the Met Office, after no rain fell there for three consecutive days.

"We had a bit of snow a fortnight ago," said met office spokesman, Wendy Reins, who dislikes the term spokesman, hence its inclusion. "But it was nowhere near enough to replenish reservoirs left dry from days of sunny weather."

The met office have said that they need drizzle for at least four continuous weeks, with the odd heavy downpour thrown in for good measure.

"What we are saying," said Reins, "Is that we need the south east to be like Manchester for a month."

Manchester have already suggested that perhaps that canal network could be used to transport water from the north-west, where there is more than enough water, to the south east where the greedy southern, shandy drinking, softies didn't have enough.

"They said 'we need water'," said typical northerner, and pigeon fancier, Elvis Costello. "I said four canals, what you done with the last teaspoon we sent you? They thought I meant use the canals. I didn't. They misheard."

If the canal system proves unworkable due to the number of locks in Birmingham, then Cumbria will be bottling tap water and selling it on the black market in Norwich.

"It's their own bleedin' fault," said Elvis Costello. "They shouldn't have been watering their gardens at this time of year, even if it does clear the snow."

The met office has issued a hosepipe ban to the Anglican counties.

"That's okay," said one resident. "I've already filled my ice rink."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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