Ryan Cooper, a fictitious representative of the author from Oldham, has finally admitted his love of his feminine side after a constant barrage of ads for sexy lingerie.
"It was every website I visited," said Cooper. "At first I thought it was because Valentine's Day was approaching and it was giving me hints as to what to buy my wife."
This, unfortunately, was not the case. As Cooper found out.
"The ads continued after Valentine's Day," quoth he. "I used to get ads about plumbing merchants and dating Asian women. Half way through February all this changed. All the time, the same stockings and suspenders, bras and camisoles. They all looked to tempting."
Eventually, Cooper could take no more.
"They make it far too easy," he said. "There's a little button that says 'Buy Me', you click it and a few seconds later, you own a size thirty-two bra. I don't know why I did it. I'm at least a forty."
Cooper got far too carried away and accidentally bought a three pack of frilly thongs and two pairs of thermal tights, size sixteen for the lot of them.
"It turns out," said Cooper, "that I am a size sixteen. Who'd have figured that? I thought with my hips I'd struggle to get in anything less than an eighteen."
The goods were delivered to his local store.
"I could have left them," he said. "They wouldn't have charged me. I didn't. I pretended they were for my wife and collected them. I've got them on now. I can barely breath the bra is so tight."
Cooper has discovered many things about himself since the fateful day that he succumbed [as in gave in to temptation, you dirty minded so and so] and bought the items.
"It turns out I've been a gay cross-dressing trannie for the past forty years," he said. "I never knew! It's been so liberating. I'm off to buy a polka dot mini skirt now. George are advertising them to me for just twelve pounds! Bargain! It should have been twenty-six pounds. Look at all the money I'm saving by thinking feminine."