Written by Skoob1999
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Sunday, 19 February 2012

image for Local Man Decides Not To Have'Daft Bastard' Brother Bumped Off After All
Shuttlecock? He Scares Me - A Cat, Speaking Last week.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today announced that he wasn't going to have his brother - who he describes as a 'daft bastard' - bumped off after all.

Sources relate that Shuttlecock had invested the sum of twenty two pounds fifty with an Ordsall based hitman, in order to have his 'brother' capped in a mysterious shooting incident, because he is owed a substantial amount of money, which has not been forthcoming.

"Yes," Shuttlecock told the encroaching press pack. "The prick owes me money totalling tens of thousands, but I didn't ever seriously consider having him bumped off. Rumours about Jarbo The Killer from Ordsall are just rumours. He's just a big pussy cat anyway. But don't tell him I said that."

Shuttlecock, the self confessed illegitimate result of a liaison between a Manchester gypsy woman from Dublin city and a Salford businessman, was at some point adopted by a dysfunctional bunch of lunatics, and said that he'd decided not to have his adoptive brother bumped off because he felt sorry for him. Even though Shuttlecock spent much of his early life on the mean streets of the North West, fending for himself.

He said:

"I thought I'd been dipped in the shallow end of the gene pool, but my daft bastard of a brother fared even worse than I did. He looks like Charles Hawtry out of the Carry On films, and as a kid he used to wear dresses and high heels, and play with Barbie dolls. I got a letter from his solicitor the other day claiming that he wasn't really mental, just a bit deluded, and saying that although he might owe me a considerable amount of wedge, he should be pitied, not pilloried. So I called the hit off - not that it ever existed in the first place. I'm going to sue his solicitor instead. I hate solicitors, me, I do."

Long suffering wife, Anne, said:

"Oh God no! - He's a daft bastard, but basically a nice bloke. But he does have a dark side. And it's very dark - he used to scare the cat sometimes..."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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