London - Some royal corgis missing since Burns Night have turned up in the Thames near the 40-tonne Archimedes screw turbine installed at Romney Weir to provide electricity for Windsor Castle.
A river patrol source described Fifi, Edwina and Karlheinz as looking a bit of a dogs' dinner after frogmen recovered their remains from inside propeller gubbins about twenty feet under the screw.
The Queen was informed and spoke of her dismay as court astrologers fought back tears explaining it all.
Apparently Sunday's solar ingress into Pisces - sign of the fishes - and a stupendous Sun/Neptune conjunction in the sign's first degree (ahead of Tuesday's New Moon) somehow all add up to this canine tragedy.
"Bloody well not good enough, orf with their heads!" HM cried as court physicians sprang forth from behind the aspidistra stand wielding lethal syringes of RIP cocktail...
The Duchess of Cornwall is still 69.