Cartoonish London Mayor and stereotyped upper class twat Boris Johnson has expressed his delight that plans for the London 2012 Olympics to turn into a mess of epic proportions are 'Right on Schedule'.
Speaking to the press outside a heavily congested Victoria station, one of the main routes Olympics visitors will take into the capital, Johnson confirmed that all the elements that will make the London Olympics a national embarrassment are already firmly in place.
"Im proud to be able to talk to you this morning about what we have already achieved, or not achieved, together" said the floppy haired Dick, struggling to make himself heard above the horrific din of traffic jams and ongoing roadworks.
"Already we are well on the way to delivering a complete 'Chinese Fire drill' of an Olympics that will cost way too much, cause immense disruption to an already stretched transport infrastructure and generally inconvenience the millions of struggling London tax-payers... who also wont be able to actually see any of it."
On being pressed as to what these achievements actually were Johnson said: " Well Victoria station is a great example of what we have already done: its overcrowded, dirty and this morning is crippled with both overrunning engineering works and signal failures."
and adding that "if you're bloody stupid enough to think of driving or getting a bus to the Olympic venues, forget it-just look at the roadworks!"
But it wasn't just Victoria that Johnson leveled his praise at.
The Mayor told us of his pride that on a recent visit to make sure the improvements to Farringdon station were causing as much disruption as possible, all of the station's ticket machines were out of order during rush hour. "That's some achievement isn't it?" said the Mayor smugly.
When asked by a reporter if the Olympics were on course to deliver any of the legacy and sustainability promised Mr Johnson laughed saying "No no we've long given up on that load of silly pinko pish posh. The London Olympics will deliver plenty of profits and backhanders for our developers, lots of free tickets to our corporate chums that we'd previously lied about giving to ordinary Londoners and then there's all those wonderful new stadiums that have cost taxpayers an arm and a leg. They'll of course be bulldozed to make way for executive housing or sold to already fantastically wealthy football clubs so that they can bulldoze and then rebuild them because they don't like running tracks".
As he left the press conference we asked the Mayor if he had any firm plans for his part in the £7million an hour Opening ceremony.
"Nothing as of yet" said Johnson "But rest assured I will be there representing our great city and nation by stuttering and falling over my words like a twat, while dressed in a badly creased, ill-fitting suit".