Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Tuesday, 14 February 2012

image for Great War Misery Forces Local Woman To Change Name
Ms Borgia yesterday.

A local woman has changed her name by deed poll after suffering years of abuse.

The previously-named Ms Gavrilo Princip, of Trafalgar Close, first realised something was wrong when she was about 15 years old.

"We were doing the causes of the First World War for GCSE and of course learned that my namesake was the Bosnian Serb who assassinated the Archduke Franz Ferdinand, heir to the throne of Austria-Hungary, setting off the series of events that led to the conflict.

"Of course, kids at school made jokes about it, but I had no idea how bad it was going get."

Over the years the former Ms Princip found it difficult to achieve simple things that most of us take for granted - like even getting a job.

"People would see my name when I applied for anything - a job, a bank account or what-have-you - and I would get a stream of abuse, like 'You utter bastard... my great grandad died on the Somme,' that kind of thing.

"Even when I point out several facts, like that Gavrilo was a bloke, or that if I was him I'd be getting on for 120 years old and he in fact died in 1918 from TB complications, I still get the cold shoulder."

The final straw came last year when she tried to join her local bridge club and was refused membership following a protest by society's Idiot and Poltroon Division.

"That was it," she added. "I went straight down the Deed Poll shop and changed my name to Mary Tudor. That's nice, don't you think? Has a nice royal kind of ring to it. I tried on a few others like Myra Hindley, Elizabeth Borden, Lucrezia Borgia... but I like this one."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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