French police today appealed to Scotland Yard for urgent assistance, following reports that a Calais woman has apparently vanished without trace.
Mariette LaVache was last seen berating neighbours and howling at the moon in her native Calais, but she hasn't been seen since, and was eventually reported missing by her husband, Henri, because he was hungry, and hadn't been fed for three days.
Henri was adamant that he didn't miss his wife, and that the only reason that he bothered to report her missing was that he can't cook for merde, and that he was hungry.
"She is not much of a cook either," he told reporters. "But I miss her boiled eggs, and in fairness, she can make toast. It's usually a bit charred on one side, but a man will eat any old merde if he's hungry enough. I'm not sure where she went off to, but a neighbour of mine reported that he had seen her down at the ferry terminal quite a lot recently, so it's possible she has gone to England. Dieu knows why. She's no use to anybody really. I only tolerate her myself for the boiled eggs and the burnt toast soldiers."
Superintendent Derek Baker, of Scotland Yard, told a packed press conference:
"This woman is apparently a bit doolally, and quite frankly, we want nothing to do with it. But as the French have requested our assistance, we have to do our bit. According to witnesses, she left home carrying only a laptop and a packet of rabies tablets. My advice to anyone who sees a woman, frothing at the mouth and bashing away at a laptop, is to phone the French police immediately. Quite frankly, we can't be arsed. Neither can Interpol, and the Carabinieri and the NYPD have indicated that they don't give a toss. Apparently nobody else does either. Not even the French. Really. It seems that some people are just destined for the wilderness. And that."
More as we get it.