Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: TV, Teens, Depression, Gangs, goth

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

image for Goth Caught In Smirk Fiasco
Darren Gloom, 17. Should have gone emo...

A teenage Goth was in hiding last night, after accidentally smirking at an episode of 'Take Me Out', the ITV Saturday evening dating show hosted by the 9'8" comedian Paddy McGuiness.

Darren Gloom, 17 of Hastings, was staying with associates when the DVD player they were watching went wrong. Switching from 'Requiem For A Dream', probably the most depressing movie ever, to the terrestrial TV channel ITV, the group of 13 depressed souls were confronted with 30 make-up laden, screeching hyenas vying for the attention of a single male whore.

Instantly realising something wasn't right, a few of the group managed to avert their eyes, but taken aback by the sheer colourfulness and joviality occurring on-screen, young Gloom couldn't suppress a smirk as the host loosed off a simple catchphrase 'let the shepherd see the pie..'

The remaining group of teens were left stunned. Anna Phylactic, 16, told us "I just saw this weird look come over his face. I thought he was having a stroke, but then I remembered that your mouth drops when you're having a stroke, his was sort of curling up in each corner!"

Suddenly realising what was happening, Gloom ran from the room and out in to the street. He has not been seen by the group since.

Phylactic told us "he's stripped of his Goth credentials anyway. No point him coming back. We don't mix with his sort. Go play with the Belieber's, if that's his attitude!"

The group have refused therapy for the trauma, accepting a rigid course of Leonard Cohen played backwards at half speed instead.

***

In other news, a heavy metal fan was found stuffed head-first in to a glass-bottle recycling bin, after friends heard him listening to Rhianna's 'We Found Love' on his iPod.

Police are treating the incident as 'fair enough'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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