ONE summer, in the late 90s, a nation mourned as one of it's most beloved figures died tragically young as situations spiralled out of control. Newspaper interest in this inspirational figure was at an all-time high and there wasn't a dry eye in the UK when the tragic death was announced... Britain's favourite son, Tosh Lines, was dead. Gone. Or so it seemed...
Tosh Lines was infamous throughout the police force, combining hard-nosed policing with heavy drinking and a womanising reputation. His legendary exploits were seemingly brought to a premature end when Tosh was supposedly found "dead" in the sweltering summer of 1998. However, The Spoof can exclusively reveal that, far from meeting his maker, Tosh actually went into hiding, and now makes a living as a good-natured-but-firm baker in a quaint countryside village.
Tosh, said to have collapsed and died following an impressive drinking binge in 1998, has spent his time away from the spotlight setting up and running his very popular flour-reliant business which is solely responsible for the supply of bread and cakes to the tiny little village it rests in. Tosh set up the hygenic bakery under the assumed name Johan Buttery, along with his "main squeeze", a young girl simply known as Marge and who claims to be Tosh's wife. However, do not be fooled by Tosh's innocent but cheeky smile, twinkling eyes or dishevelled facial hair, for we at The Spoof can today reveal that the shamed man of mystery and moustache has spent the last four years living in TAX EXILE. He faked his own death, some may say selfishly, even risking the cherished life of Norman "Curly" Watts in the process.
We at the Spoof caught Tosh by surprise as he handed out delicious buns at his packed eaterie. Seeing through his thinly veiled disguise of a hat and apron, we confronted him with our discovery. In the heated moments after the photograph to the left was taken, Tosh went nuts and actually killed our photographer. Luckily for Tosh, we have forgiven him and this matter will not be taken any further. However, we do feel it is our responsibility to inform the devastated public, some of whom have still not recovered from the grief of Tosh's premature departure, of this foul-mouthed cheat's life of deceit. He should not be allowed to continue evading the Inland Revenue and should be made to return to his Tosh Lines persona and bloody well pay his taxes.
When it was first announced that the popular Tosh had been fired from his job at Sun Hill police station, campaigners around the UK protested and began the "We Want Tosh" campaign trail. However, within a week, this UK idol was apparently dead. Hull council only last year approved a huge 20ft Tosh Lines monument to be erected in their town centre, and he wasn't even from Hull. This is the extent to which Mr. Lines touched our lives and our hearts. To see him in his current situation tears a little chunk out of each and every one of our souls. We may be worse off without the legend of Tosh Lines in our lives, but we're better off for the hardness this revelation brings... for we will think twice from now on, whenever we hear that somebody off The Bill has dropped dead, and we will think twice about ever opening our hearts and leaving ourselves susceptible to the hurt a man like Tosh Lines can bring. A spokesman from ITV1's The Bill yesterday said, "Tosh who? Oh. No comment."
This news just received: it has since been discovered that this story is completely false. We apologise for any inconveniece caused, especially to Curly Watts.