Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Saturday, 4 February 2012

image for Contents Of The Queen's Handbag Revealed In New Book!
Not Wrinkled - Unlike The Real Thing!

In a new book, 'Elizabeth the Queen, She's On The Throne', by royal biographer Sally Bedsheet-Vomit, Sally has revealed some of the items Her Majesty likes to carry around with her in her handbag. They include a crisply folded five, and ten pound note.

Sally, who has spent the last five years following the Queen around and closely noting everything she's taken out from the royal handbag explains, "The money is never used to buy normal things like fish and chips, or cans of lager. I have only ever seen her using the notes to donate at church on Sundays when she and Prince Philip go to pray to their God for forgiveness.

"Obviously," continues Sally, "their God does not demand the whole fifteen pounds to buy that forgiveness. What happens is that the Queen only donates the higher denomination ten pound note when the sermon is to her and Philip's liking. Any mention in the sermon of inconvenient biblical passages such as that one about how it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the Kingdom of Heaven quickly brings her famous royal frown. On those occasions the tenner obviously stays in the handbag and instead she brings out the blue fiver.

"Although I was in the congregation during a Sunday morning service last November," she says, "when the sermon was so displeasing to her and Philip that even the blue fiver stayed in her bag. Philip whispered something I could not hear into Elizabeth's left ear and she brought out another of the handbag's contents, a packet of chewing gum. Handing one to Philip he then put it into his mouth to chew it for a few minutes as they waited for the church donation tray to reach them. When it did he just spat the chewing gum out onto the tray saying, 'Let's see if the vicar can fix the hole in God's church roof with that!'...I did hear that!"

Both banknotes are of course brand new assures royal biographer Sally Bedsheet-Vomit. "It would be highly inappropriate, and dangerous, for the Queen to be handling used notes" she explains. "They could have all sorts of nasty germs on them from the grubby hands of her subjects who had been handling them after doing awful dirty things like manual work."

According to Sally Bedsheet-Vomit, Her Majesty the Queen's handbag contains all sorts of bits and pieces in much the same way as do most women's handbags. These will often include a bicycle pump, a tube of toothpaste (not containing fluoride), her bus pass, a salmon sandwich, a piece of straw, a spare set of gnashers, a special pen so she can check to make sure the crisply ironed five and ten pound notes she's received are not counterfeit, and a packet of mints (not containing aspartame). Also a spanner, a dead sparrow, a lion tamer's thumb, a signed photograph of Justin Bieber, and a June 1936 edition of The Radio Times. A broken teaspoon, a cuddly toy, some marzipan, a fishing hook, and a quantity of tap washers she and Philip take great pleasure in throwing to the peasants and laughing at them as they travel around Britain in their chauffeur driven Rolls-Royce.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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