Written by Nick Hobbs
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Saturday, 4 February 2012

image for Death Penalty Brought Back For Litterers
Infact, don't throw it anywhere, except a bin, you lazy, dirty fuck-pig!

In a dramatic U-turn the government have outright voted in the death penalty, for people too lazy to find a waste bin in the street.

Cases of littering have increased by over 2000% in recent years, compared with figures taken in 2003, with many of the guilty being teenagers.

This new found lack of respect for their general surroundings has been put down to them being stupid and lazy.

Max Von Sideboard, head of the 'Institute for Clearing Up Behind The Young' based in Redditch, told us "I think most young people, mainly from 25 and under are unaware of the impact of their selfishness. I drive around the countryside, and all I see is burger wrappings, drinks cans, crisp packets and discarded newspapers fluttering in the breeze! It's really not nice to look at."

We spoke to Diamond Princess Talbot, a 17 year old unemployed girl from the estate, and she told us "I don't give a shit. If I've finished eating my burgar, then I ain't walkin' t'the bin, man! No way! These trainers cost me half me benefits this week, I ain't warin' them out just t'make it easier fer the binmen. It's their job to clear up, so bollocks! Got any fags?"

Steve 'Innit' Podbury, 18, is a new driver. He told us "Me an' my crew trip t'the Maccie D's, yeah? Well we cruise around the centre, checkin' out birds and shit, y'know man, hangin'? Jus' chillin', innit? Well, when we finish our chow, then I don't want them stinky wrappers in my motor, right? So we drive by Dezzie Smith's crew, they hang by the Blockbuster store, and we chuck the shit at them. It's fuckin' quality, man!"

But it's quality no more, as litterers now face a lethal injection for their laziness.

"I think it's the only way to send a clear message to the ignorant little shits who can't be bothered to find a bin," said Harold Biggs-Wyatt, Home Affairs minister for the Conservative party, "how hard is it? Lazy little bastards."

Fears have arisen however, that no change will be noticed in a convicted litterer, after a lethal injection has been administered.

"A teenager is rarely seen moving at the best of times, I fear a lethal injection would just give them an excuse not to move," said Biggs-Wyatt.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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