Written by Steddyeddy
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Friday, 3 February 2012

image for Contenders for Chief Rabbi's position line up ahead of his retirement
A chief rabbit

With the news of the imminent retirement of Lord Jonathan Sachs as Chief Rabbi of the UK, Northern Ireland and Grimsby, a host of early applicants and contenders for the position have today been revealed.

Front runner, not only because of his existing and rather exciting beard, is Dr Rowan Williamson, currently Archbishop of Canterbury.

Like Dr Sachs, he has a string of letters after his name - FRSL, FBA, FLSW being just some of them - and he is not too opposed, on the odd occasion, to wearing a skull cap. In making his bid he says that "he would like a change of scenery, and anything that helps him get out of his Monty Python Spanish Inquisition costume and into a normal suit for his working week can't be all that bad". And he believes Jewish mothers make great chicken soup.

Abu Hook Hanza, popular terrorist and professional DWP hand-out recipient, is another early entrant to the race. He is hoping to overcome his main two disadvantages before the Rabbi Race hots up later in the year - namely, being in prison and his propensity for blowing people up.

Prince Andrew of Windsor is another frontrunner bound to be popular with the voting rabbinical school. Well known as a son of the Queen of England, as well as for travelling the world at every opportunity and otherwise having absolutely nothing worthwhile to do, it was felt by the House of Windsor that by putting his name forward it would at least gibe the Prince some purpose for the first time in over 30 years.

Simon Cowell, the premium rate phone call specialist was said to be interested in sponsoring "Britain's Got Rabbis" where he would organise a selection of heats and eliminations based on public telephone voting - at premium rates of course - and to include incredibly intrusive advertisement breaks filled with pointless competitions.

Although whether he could "organise" the winner so as to maximise the profitability of "Psychotic", his record label, remains to be seen.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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