The UK Prime Minister David Cameron admitted to MPs during his statement this afternoon to the House of Commons on yesterday's EU emergency summit that he really had no idea how cunning and manipulative his European Union partners could be in circumventing his widely praised veto at the last emergency EU summit of a few weeks ago.
Mr Cameron held his hand to his brow and affected a melodramatic swoon. "Quite frankly," he said, "I'm beggared by the nature of events. They all seem to have ganged up on me to thwart my sincerely held commitment to courting domestic popularity. I sat there in complete astonishment as one by one they all said 'we're going to do whatever the hell we want come what may so Mr Smug Face can go screw himself'. In many different languages, for goodness' sake!"
He added that, to his intense chagrin, several national leaders - including nefarious Gallic dwarf Nicolas Sarkozy - put their thumbs to their noses and waggled their fingers. "My most senior civil servants assured me in a memo I glanced through on the plane that our European colleagues would be highly unlikely to gesticulate at me in a rude and dismissive manner so clearly no-one in the higher reaches of the UK government has the slightest clue what our European friends are capable of," he told renowned backbench euro-Sceptic Lord Cash of The White Cliffs of Dover.
Labour leader and funny faced clown Sir Edwardo Miliband said several things but no-one can remember what they were. And the Deputy Prime Minister Sir Nicholas Clegg was overheard whispering - behind his hand - that he thought the Prime Minister deserved everything he'd got and wasn't Europe wonderful?
Bringing the debate to a premature close former Prime Minister Lady Thatcher (played wonderfully by shoe-in Oscar favourite Meryl Streep) shouted from the public gallery that tomatoes were now 1 Euro and 45 cents a kilogram in her local Costcutter and what the effing hell were the Brussels sprouts ever going to do about that? A subsequent scuffle between Britain's Greatest Ever Leader and the Sargeant-at-Arms (played with rare decorum and dignity by Sir Nigel Havers) saw the tiny, terrified Speaker John Bercow disappear under his chair and suspend the sitting until Angela Merkel gave them permission to continue.