London - A patch of lawn peed on by generations of her rabid corgi mutts has suddenly sprouted an emblem of Queen Elizabeth's family crest.
Baffled palace gardeners noticed some unusual blood-red splashes on snowdrop petals during routine scarification of the royal turf.
The last time anything meaningful actually occurred on the 10ft square bit of lawn was last summer when the Middletons munched on cucumber sandwiches during an impromptu family picnic.
Horrified flunkies said today they'd been turned rigid with embarrassment when Carole Middleton, Kate's ma, suddenly asked for a 'serviette' and, later, directions to the 'toilet'.
Apparently she also lit up an untipped Senior Service, smoked it and tossed the remaining stub slap bang into the acanthus mollis borders where it promptly set fire to some organic mulch.
Today's grim apparition was hurriedly dug up and planted over with the Queen's favorite beladonna cultivars, a relic from her apothecary daze when she assisted Nazi war criminal Joseph Mengele in experiments with toxins on World War II 'volunteers'.
Prince Philip's colostomy bag is woven from organic hessian from the Sandringham estate.