Written by D Agnew
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Monday, 30 January 2012

image for Steven Hawkins in Animal cruelty probe
Mobilty scooter believed to have crushed snails.

Esteemed space pervert Prof Steven Hawkins has been under investigation by animal rights groups. The shock revelation comes as no surprise as the prof has been on a downward spiral of self destruction that would put Charlie sheen to shame.

Hawkins was filmed last week trundling out of poundland without paying for a box of glow sticks, at the time it was suspected that he was high on some kind of moon rock, charges were later dropped by the CPS.

The latest scandal was revealed by his gardener Mike Homity: "I kept finding lines of squashed snails on the drive" he said to a our suitably shocked reporter. "its as if he's playing god with them, lining them up and driving that car thing of his over their screaming eye stalks" he added before showing us a photograph of the two lines of squashed snails.

Prof Hawkins has always courted controversy since he discovered the universe in 1987, he then went on to reveal his theory of absolutely everything ever in 1990. Speculation surrounds the professor about his apparent lack of leg movement, believed to be the result of a fraudulent whiplash claim that was investigated by the job centre. It seems Steven willed him self a paraplegic with his amazing space brain to fool the authorities. He is also rumoured to have a fantastic singing voice which he again refuses to use preferring instead the Spectrum 48k computer.

The animal cruelty charges seem to be a lot more serious this time and close friends say he absolutely livid. Animal rights people say wilful killing of snails is an act of cruelty and is mentioned in the country code. between leaving gates open and tipping cows.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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