Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 24 January 2012

image for Falling badger population blamed on modern music
Badgers, much prefer to romance to early Bowie records than Adele.

The British Badger Population (BBP) has been in steady decline since the 1980s, shortly after its heyday.

"At first we thought it might have been the introduction of the car-alarm in 1981," said naturist and badgerologist, David Bellamy. "The constant honking of horns from stolen cars disrupts their mating rituals, you see."

Bellamy has set up an organisation to monitor badgers and their night time proclivities, with fellow badgerologist Clive Anderson.

Since discounting car-alarms, Bellamy and Anderson have been attempting to locate the source of the decline in badger romance.

"We think we've isolated it," said Michaela Strachan, who has been loaned to Badger Watch from the Emu Preservation Society (EPS). "We think it is the decline of suitable music in the charts."

According to Badger Watch, music over the wireless in the fifties, sixties and seventies was particular conducive to aiding the reproduction of badgers resulting in a sudden spike in badger numbers. Since then, the music has been completely unsuitable for badgers to 'get it on' to.

"It could be," said Bellamy, "that badger numbers are falling back to their pre-easy-listening numbers. We do not have an accurate count of badgers going back before 1987 when the first badger census was conducted."

According to Badger Watch, lady badgers are particularly susceptible to the smooth gyrations of a bachelor badger with groovy music playing. Putting electronic pop-synth on leads badgers to adopt a more aggressive seduction style.

"Badgerettes don't like this new romancing style of boy badgers in their go-faster stripes," said Strachan. "Many of them are attempting to copy the dance styles of Rhianna and Lady Gaga. As far as the badgerettes are concerned, this is just bad romance."

Badger Watch have defended the introduction of record players and a full collection of Buddy Holly and Fleetwood Mac vinyl records into every known badger set in order to test their hypothesis.

"We would have put MP3 players in," said Bellamy. "But the buttons are too small for badgers to operate."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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