Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 24 January 2012

image for Feral joggers terrify Dorking
Oswald Crescent, in daylight as the photogropher wouldn't go at night without danger money

Roving packs of joggers have sprung up on the streets of Dorking, terrorising local residents.

"We're afraid to go out at night," said Harold Nottingham, a septuagenarian from Oswald Crescent. "I'm forever having to put my bins back upright in the mornings."

These jogging packs can be seen all over the small Surrey town, down streets, up avenues and through parks.

"They're a public menace," said local police constable, Paul East. "Problem is, we can't catch these nuisances. They're just too damn fast. We've put out stingers and tried nets, but they slip past every time."

As well as scattering bins, the feral joggers are setting dogs barking and causing traffic hold-ups at the car-park as gangs up to fifty strong, stream across otherwise innocent pedestrian crossings.

"We're at a loss to discover where they came from," said East. "We think it may be connected to the recent arrival of Learn2Jog in the town centre, although we can find no concrete evidence and they deny any involvement."

Clad in day-glow colours, sporting water bottles and MP3 players these packs ruined the resurfacing of Kettle Street, leaving widely spaced footprints through the freshly laid crazy paving. The vivid colours are disturbing the night time activities of Dorking's ultra-rare lesser spotted badger-pig.

"We've not seen disruption like this in Dorking since the furniture van emptied its load of wardrobes on the main thoroughfare," said East. "We managed to clear that by offering free wood to the local bonfire society. I'm not sure the same approach would work again."

"I got whipped by one of these bugger's pony-tails," said Elma Frankfurt, also of Oswald Crescent. "I was out trying to calm my dog when I got a slap across the face. Something has to be done."

Dorking council are looking at introducing jogging calming measures, and putting in place jogging paths in an attempt to divert the biggest public menace in Dorking since the Apple Medical Supply Store announced free Eye Pads to the first nineteen customers with only one eye.

"Forget the council," said Harold. "I'm putting down some of my collection of antique bear traps. That'll slow the buggers down."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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