Written by Nick Hobbs
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Wednesday, 18 January 2012

image for Man Dies After 'Wrong Version' Song Resuscitation
When you're no longer 'Stayin' Alive' it's a real 'Tragedy'.

Tragedy struck today on the streets of London, after an American tourist suffered a heart attack and was then finished off by a well meaning teenager trying to administer first aid.

The victim, Barry Goldfinch, 47, had complained of feeling unwell all morning, as he travelled around the capital on a sightseeing visit from his home in Utah.

He collapsed in the street at around 11:30am outside Goldsmith's jewellers. Daniel Smith, an 18 year old student from Dagenham was passing by and saw the man fall to the ground.

He set about trying to give CPR by pressing on the chest of the now unconscious Goldfinch, a move that he had recently seen performed in a national advert campaign.

"I was just trying to help," he told us through floods of tears, "I'd seen the adverts on TV, the one with Vinny Jones saying to give CPR to the tempo of 'Stayin' Alive' by the Bee Gee's."

Unbeknownst to Smith however, the advert from the British Heart Foundation referred to the original Bee Gee's version, released in 1977. Smith had only ever heard the DJ Thundercrack 'Rocket Powered Mega Mix' version, released in 2009, and a major Ibiza hit.

The original hit runs at a meagre 103 bpm, but the Thundercrack version, which used samples from the original, ran at an astounding 384 bpm.

Witnesses say Goldfinch didn't stand a chance.

Shirley Flatfoot, 67, told us "I saw the man go down, then a moment later this young man arrived and just started pummelling his chest. It was like he was playing a drum solo from a Slipknot concert. He reminded me of Animal off the Muppets!"

Goldfinch was pronounced dead on arrival at the Royal London Hospital.

The BHF are expected to make a statement later today, but it is widely thought that they will make adjustments to their ad campaign, to highlight the exact version of the song they refer to.

"It's a tragedy, but it just goes to show the musical ignorance in our youth today, kids don't know they're born, do they?" finished Flatfoot.

No police action will be taken against Smith, as long as he agrees to attend a three week Music History course.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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