The owners of Titanic ship Pierre Luigi Luigi today claimed that Manchester United midfielder Paul Scholes will join the crew when the boat is ready to relaunch at the end of 2012.
"Eeeee is just what we need - an expert on 'ow yu say - the rescueing sinking ships. The red devil football team crashed in europa an' he answer da SOS and rescue the entire playing club of 34 players, 150 staff and 9 million fans. Eeee is a 'ero".
Ginger + Onions = Euro 2012
Luigi continued "He will finish his short term contract at Old Trafford and then he will join in the summer - possibly after the Euro 2012 tournament - if Fabio knows eees onions he will take him to Poland and U-Krane"
Scholes agent offered no comment when contacted today.