Written by Nick Hobbs
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Tuesday, 17 January 2012

image for English Language To Receive Overhaul
Bad language needs tidying.

The English language is to receive a massive overhaul in 2013, say experts from the Guild Of Dictionary Writers.

Spokesmen say that the language has become cluttered and over-complicated in recent years, with many new words being added and spellings becoming a real headache.

"We feel that as words evolve and change we should begin culling rarely used words to make room for the new," said Dr Kyle Boomgrass, head of word studies at the Institute Of Dictionaries, "and we need to identify hard to spell words and tidy them up a bit."

"Take bronchitis. It's pronounced 'bronkytus', so why do we need that over-complicated spelling? If we were to take out the 'c' and 'h', we could free them up for use in other more needy words, stick in the under used 'k' and 'y', and we're sorted!" he added.

Other words in need of a spring clean include paradigm, diarrhoea, pneumatic, subpoena, phlegm and any word containing '..cei..' in it.

"'Askance' is so rarely used in conversation now, it's just wasting space in our book," Boomgrass continued, "so too is 'embattled' and 'parley', the list goes on!"

Some words fall in to both categories, however, leaving the panel with some tough choices.

"Take 'puissant', for instance, difficult to spell and rarely used. Should we waste time in tidying it up, or just scrap it now? We will have to look carefully at these words before making our decisions,"

But not everyone is happy with the idea of messing about with our language.

Terry Titmouse, president of the 'Hands Off Words' campaign said "it's abhorrent that these ne'er-do-wells should smite our precious language! We need action to stop these floundering jack-a-napes hijacking our most precious asset and despoiling our heritage!"

Government officials are said to be looking in to the legalities of a national overhaul of our language, but Titmouse believes that even if a change is given the green light, their efforts will be powerless overseas.

"They may win in England, but they can not stop me using old and difficult to spell words in foreign countries," he spat "it may be their language, but their jurisdiction ends in the sea! They can take our letters, but they'll never take my right to bellow 'petunia's' from the top of Mount Vesuvius!"

The rift continues.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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