Written by Joe Leff
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Tuesday, 17 January 2012

image for Postmen welcome new law on dogs
getting ready for the postman

Proposed changes in private property laws relating to dogs could make a postman's job a lot safer.

Private property laws currently allow dogs to attack intruders, even if they're just delivering mail.

"It's our 'privates' we're worried about," said Glasgow postman Jock Strapp.

Over 5,000 postmen are attacked each year. Injuries involve really gory details, including attacks on privates.

One heavily-muzzled dog's owner was unable to speak to the press. But in a letter to the Daily Mail he criticized the complexity of the new legislation, and reckoned that the Government's legislative body had bitten off more than it could chew.

Under the new proposals, dogs will have to possess a 'licence to bite' before they can attack any person approaching a house or private property. An application form for this licence has to be completed by the householder, and it must have the dog's agreement - as signified by a valid paw-print.

The Post Office will review each application, and if successful will arrange for it to be delivered to the dog's house within 14 working years (or sooner if the dog dies earlier).

The National Association of Fingerless and Heavily-Bitten Postal Workers (NAFHBPW) are hoping that the new law will come into force next month - before stocks of dog-repellent run out. In the meantime they will be wearing reinforced chain-mail under their uniforms.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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