News that the families of millions of UK pensioners will be forced to pay twice as much for them to stay in a care home has seen stocks and shares in the mashed food and backhanded slap markets soar to unprecedented new heights.
Market's across the globe have reported a particularly huge surge in the price of shares in ready made mashed potato mixes with a record-breaking performance in the 'closed-hand-slap' market also rewarding savvy speculators.
The FTSE 100 reportedly rose as a result of stockbrokers 'tripping over themselves' to make a quick return on the elderly 'tripping over themselves' to latent an even quicker return for the funding family intent on coaxing their inheritance out of hibernation.
Nursing home employee's tell of a discernible despondency in the weighing in room's of care facilities around Britain.
Care home worker, Theresa Musk, warned investors of the volatility of the sector they were risking hundreds of millions of taxpayers money in.
'In this job, you just don't know who you will letting down in the most horrible way from one day to the next.'
'So asking us to up our level of neglect to ensure the share prices don't bottom out as suddenly as one of our residents is unrealistic in the extreme.'
'And believe me, I'm used to the extreme.'
A steep uplift in the price of chloroform was dismissed by Goldman Sachs as nothing more than a speculative punt from a team of Venture Capitalists with a very bright future ahead of them.