Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Monday, 16 January 2012

image for Automated Announcement Wrongly Told Passengers Their Plane Was About To Crash!
Not meant to be worn in the sea!

A six month trial period by one of Britain's major airlines, using only pre-recorded automated announcements to their passengers during their flights led to passenger terror recently when a stewardess on a flight from Miami to Heathrow pressed the wrong button and told her passengers the pilot was preparing to make an emergency landing in the sea because the plane was going down.

"The mistake was quickly realised and a further automated announcement was given out to assure passengers all was well" said a spokesmean for the airline today.

Passing it off as human error he explained, "Little human errors like those are bound to occur, that's the whole purpose of having these trials so that we can learn from those little mistakes."

"The switch to automated announcements is necessary because it's been becoming impossible to recruit pretty young ladies to join our crews who are capable of speaking more than half a dozen words without swearing.

"Can you imagine the sort of words they'd be using if they really had to tell the passengers their plane's about to crash? We need these announcements to be given out in a calm and reassuring manner with a posh voice, not by some cockney sounding bimbo from Essex saying "The plane's fuckin' crashing everyone - let's 'urry up 'n' knock back our vodkas before the seawater fucks 'em up - Oh no, me new shoes, they're gonna be ruined by the fuckin' salt!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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