Written by Deafo
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Friday, 13 January 2012

Paddington Bear is to lead an immediate investigation into the alleged 'renditioning' of a loaf bread and the contents of a jar of marmalade apparently removed from the cupboard of his live-in landlords, the Browns.

The Bear, from Deepest Darkest Peru, feels he is best placed to determine, and then indemnify the guilt, of a party so close to home, that his boxer shorts have practically ensnared the culprit.

Speaking from a park bench in Maida Vale, he told reporters, 'I very much hope my experience of being taken to the UK against my will by my Aunt Lucy in the 1950's could put me in a position to ignore the potentially, ahem, excuse me, fatal indicators of guilt in this incident.'

'I'd much rather not land myself right in it with the hand that feeds me, know what I mean?'

'So I'll run some two-bit operation to keep the masses happy.'

'But look, I didn't take that marmalade from its country of origin, did I?'

'Having said that, here's no doubt that knowing what you are looking for in terms of evidence of that kind of thing gives you every chance of muddying those tracks a little to make it look like the guilty party didn't, ahem, actually do anything wrong.'

'This is particularly helpful when the tracks you are trying to cover up are human, probably of Middle Eastern descent, appearing in a country they shouldn't really be under International law.'

Paddington admitted he was familiar with the subtleties of the 'nu-wave' British immigration process.

'To be honest, I stop short of endorsing the unauthorised transportation of humans.'

'Even if it does take the spotlight off the illicit trade in fruit conserves.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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