Transport Minister Justine Greening, apparently encouraged by the public's apathy to her financial excesses of HS2, has announced her next project; the High-Speed Australia link, or 'Ozzi-Tunnel' as it is commonly known. This will cut journey times between Britain and Australia by a whole three minutes and seven seconds; a huge savings for businessmen trading with Australia.
Greening announced that,"Its the other side of the planet you know and normally you have to change planes to get there, I went there once and you have to stop for fueling so you have to add a few more hours on top of the normal flying time. It took me in all 21 hrs there and 23 hrs back - probably because its uphill coming back. It doesn't matter which way you go either via USA or over Asia it is exactly the same length of distance as the earth is actually round you know. I have done both ways and there is no difference. I got one of our clever consultants to investigate how we can reduce this time; and he came up with this:
1.Farley rigid solid inner core of 1250 km radius.
2.The outer liquid core of 2200 km thick.
3. The lower mantle of 2900 km thick.
4. The top most outer layers consist of Asthenosphere, lithosphere of 20 to 100km & crust of 30 km thick under the continents &
only about even 5 km thick under the deep ocean,
5. It is about 4.75 Billion years old.
6. Life of our earth is another 4.75 billion years.
7. Mean distance to Sun 14,95,03,923 km.
8. Mean distance to moon 3,81577.5 km,
9. Equatorial diameter 12,756.8 km,
10. Mass ( In metric ton ) 5,974 X 10 ^18,
11. Period of revolution 365 days 5 hours 48 minute & 46 seconds,
12. Total area 51,00,66,000 Sq km,
13. Water area 29.1 %,
14. Land area 70.9 %,
15. Volume 10,83,230 X 10 ^ 6 Cubic k/m
I don't expect you to understand that but basically it means there is a business case for building HSA [High-Speed Australia]. The reason is simple; fly straight through, not round. In the spirit of Victorian engineering we will dig a flight tunnel to be known as The Ozzi-Tunnel. We have decided that the best place to construct this tunnel-flight path will be through the Lake District and to come out through Ayres rock. For this we will need to dig a shaft 50 miles wide through the Earth core. Ozzi-Thunnel Limited say that they can do this for about 9999994983738455923trillion billion pounds as a rough estimate. A cost of just 598 million pounds and 37p to each UK resident."
Labour's Lord Hemorrhoid added,"There will be twenty-five flights in each direction every half a second. We will be able to completely swap the population of the UK and Australia every nine days; this is just the demand we are expecting. We will put the Great back into Britain and the white back into elephant".
David Cameron said, "I suppose it does sound like a high figure, but it will pay dividends, create billions of jobs and save three minutes and seven seconds each trip. Having not gone to Eton you probably won't know that if you add up a lot of little bits of time you end up with a lot of time; and this is a fact. This inspiring project will get us out of recession by the time it is built in the year 3084. We need to open up new markets and we cannot do this by listening to moaning NIMBYs who insist that we keep going round. Do you know that these people are only interested in being able to get on with their lives; not a care for the nations interest at all. The obvious solution is the direct one; straight through. We can landscape the countryside around it; add some water features, hilly bits and it will look the same; green stuff growing and some animals. Nobody will notice the difference. We are also looking at the feasibility of creating another planet with the spoil from the excavation. This would make a great home for poor people who would not be able to afford to travel 'Ozzi-Tunnel ' anyway."
An Ozzi-Tunnel Limited spokesman said,"Of course there will be a lot of disruption to people, and Keswick, Kendal and most of the Lake District will cease to exist; but, and this is a big but, it is in the national interest of the country and anyone whose home is affected will be paid a fraction of its value. Quite honestly the people who live in the area of the Ozzi-Chunnel are a bunch of NIMBYS; I mean why would anybody not want their life-time investment rendered worthless and there community and lives ruined in the interests of big business, Fat Cat Bankers and corrupt politicians; These NIMBYs are selfish, selfish people."
On BBC news this evening Cameron endorsed the project, "It will boost the economy creating billions of jobs. I will not stand by and let pretend-posh namby-pamby NIMBYS stop me and my chums from making loads of money. We all have shares in Ozzi-Tunnel Limited and have created 'consultancy' companies that will cream off billions of pounds of tax payers money into our posh Tory pockets before the whole country goes 'tits-up in the water', we will clear off to Switzerland again and you lot are left with another Labour government that will betray its voters just like we have."
Nick Clegg said, "I always wanted a train set, but my mum would not buy me one because she did not want me turning out to be one of those unionised socialist train driver type chappies. Now Auntie Justine is making me a big fast one; AND she has now promised to send me on a trip through the centre of the earth just like that Jules Verne chap did in that awfully good book 'Journey to the centre of Birmingmam' or whatever it was called. High-Speed Australia is every public schoolboys dream come true! My boss David has kindly promised to pay for my £25,000.74p one-way ticket. He said that if those Chiltern Hills types appear to be winning public opinion at any point he will nuke Iran to distract attention. How clever, I love David and I love the new HS2 train set and HSA Ozzi-Tunnel he promised me"
A spokesman for 'STOP HSA' said,"Sadly the majority of people in Britain believe the government's propaganda. If they do not come to their senses soon it will be too late, there will be nowhere to go in Britain; just lots of fast ways of getting there."
[This is a fantasy satirical story written for your entertainment, I hope you enjoyed it. However, it is based on the very real danger to Britain as a whole if HS2 goes ahead. We will all pay for it environmentally and financially, no matter where we live. STOP HS2 NOW it is not too late; write to your MP, join protest groups and most importantly spread the truth behind the myths of HS2. Love and Peace, Mudwizard.]