AS the debate on the Scottish referendum kicks off in earnest, SNP leader Alec "Fishy" Salmond has issued a stark warning to the Westminster government: "I'll batter those stuck up Tory English c***s!"
In a speech to party faithful at the 300-Year Grudge Group in Edinburgh, SNP leader Alex Salmond, crowned Mr Scotland bodybuilder 2010, waved his fist and promised "If we are denied the chance to make our wishes law in 2014, Scotland will march south. We will have independence, it will be on our terms, on our timetable, and I'll kick the pus of any namby-pamby cricket-playing wee shite from the Home Counties who thinks he can stand in our way."
The speech included references to Bannockburn, spiders, Robert the Bruce, Braveheart and porridge oats. It failed to mention how a future Scottish Government would persuade the oil and gas sector to bankroll the whole country.
In reply, David Cameron offered Salmond "A fish supper and a bottle of Iron Brew" to piss off and shut up, claiming, "Nobody can understand him anyway," and "So what if they do become independent? We don't need that bunch of alcoholic, junky benefit scroungers anyway."
Alex Salmond, lovechild of Susan Boyle and Jocky Wilson is currently on the National Express on the M1, with a "chib" in his jacket.