Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 9 January 2012

image for Britons Cut Daily Alcohol Consumption after Parliament Study

Following a strong recommendation by the Science and Technology Committee of Parliament, British residents have taken their government's health recommendations to heart, cutting daily drinking activities by more than 50%

"We felt an obligation to correct our position from the 1980's", says Assistant Secretary to the STC, Harold Hempstead. "Back then we felt that drinking 5 to 8 alcoholic drinks a day was good for overall health". Hempstead failed to mention that several local breweries and distillers had helped to fund the 1980's study.

"Clearly there were no adverse effects", says foundry worker Stephen Williams, missing three fingers as a result of an accident on the job. Williams attempted to point at the pub across from the foundry to illustrate his point. "It was only a few pints that day. Still have trouble picking my nose with the other hand, but SO WHAT?"

While most Britons are conservative social drinkers, a smaller percentage of the population did engage in significant daily consumption. The voluntary adherence to the STC recommendation was unexpected but welcome. "We thought we might need to make a stronger public relations case", says Hempstead, "but we can see an immediate reduction of alcoholic beverage sales during the week".

"Right mate, but that's during the week", comments pub owner Phil T. McNasty. "Now they save up the festivities for the weekend. Now I can't seem to hire enough waitresses, keep the Guinness cold or stock enough whiskey on the shelves. I wish those tossers would keep their mouths shut for once".

Parliament points to an immediate reduction in weekday traffic accidents, and improvement in the jobs sector as numerous businesses now offer cab and car transport from pub to home. "Clearly a fresh solution on many fronts", says Hempstead. "This from a man who's never seen my WC on the weekend", responded McNasty.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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