Famous TV chef, Antony "Wally" Thompson (name changed for legal reasons) has been arrested outside a Tesco supermarket for shoplifting. The well known chef admitted putting the cheese inside his pocket without paying, but had no intention of nicking it (???).
Although Antony has hit rather hard times, poor chap, he was forced to move out of his millionaires mansion into a peasants hole, a detached six bedroom cottage in posh High Wycombe; he refuses to admit to being so poor that he needs to remove supermarket cheeses without paying.
It seems that while Antony was tasting the cheeses he got his fat fingers stuck in the holes of one, Swiss, and couldn't remove them. So as not to be totally embarrassed in front of Tesco's normal punters, he stuck the cheese with the holes and his fingers in his pocket and bee-lined it for the exit.
Too late, security had been observing him and obviously thought he was nicking the stuff so they contained him outside. The police arrived and booked him for shop-lifting even though Antony stuck his cheesy fingers in the air and claimed innocence; they refused to smell them.
Antony is now pleading innocence, but the bottles of wine found stuck down his trousers won't help either. Still there is hope and his old mate and fellow chef, Gordon Ramsay, has told the police, Tesco's and Jamie Oliver to all "Fuck Off" and offered Antony a job at his famous F restaurant, washing up!