The Ministry Of Defence has just released details of a close encounter of the third kind, in Dover, Kent, during which Aliens flatly refused to probe a local woman, and threatened to go on strike if their intergalactic overlords attempted to force them to do do so.
The alleged incident took place in the grounds of Dover Castle, right up there on the white cliffs in November, 1978, when an unidentified flying object homed in on a drunken woman who was shouting at the moon and claiming that it wasn't her that was mental - it was everybody else.
According to contemporary reports, a THX83 Intergalactic Airbus approached the woman, and the starship's comander ordered his little grey alien stormtroopers to attack and probe the woman.
The entire incident was witnessed by a PC Blackcock of the Kent Police, who had spent the first half of his shift rogering local woman, Alice Slack, an unmarried mother of three, senseless, in her council flat on Gitgo Avenue, but had then returned to duty. Out of a sense of duty.
Blackcock reported that he observed a phosphorescent yellow light emanating from the spacecraft, as it hovered above its somewhat hysterical target.
PC Blackcock related that to the best of his recollection, the ship hovered above its potential victim before lowering a ladder.
From which three little grey alien like figures descended, carrying pipes, syringes, an assortment of rubber tubing, and ray guns.
"To be honest, I thought she was a goner," PC Blackcock told an MOD official. "The woman was just slumped against a wall waving her knickers in the air and shouting a lot, mainly in upper case letters, when a voice came over the loudspeaker, ordering the little grey men to probe the woman."
The official report has the three aliens approaching the woman, and then inexplicably stopping dead in their tracks. Apparently they were ordered to probe her, but one of the aliens steadfastly refused, telling the starship's Captain that if he wanted this person probing, then he'd better do it himself. It appears that he didn't want to take the risk.
Following a brief discussion, the Starship's Captain descended the ladder and a heated argument ensued. Details are somewhat sketchy, but apparently one of the aliens was overheard saying to the Starship Captain:
"If you think I'm going to probe that thing, you can fuck right off. You probe it - I'm not having it. It's too horrible for words. I've probed some fucking things in my time as an alien invader, but there's no way I'm probing that fucking thing. Shove it up your arse. I'd rather go on strike. Or die. Or something. And that."
At which point, according to PC Blackcock's testimony from the period, the Starship Captain stuck a helical tube up the woman's arse and she went into involuntary paroxysms of orgasmic ecstasy.
"There seemed to be some kind of spiritual connection at that point," PC Blackcock recorded in his notebook. "The pair made off on foot towards Canterbury. It seemed a bit weird because she had this coiled tube sticking out of her arse, and she couldn't stop talking about herself, while he just kept saying, Har! Don't tell the wife, and bragging about how he was going to buy a big green parrot and call it Bollocks. The other grey aliens just laughed, got back on board the spaceship and pissed off back to Alpha Centauri or wherever. I dunno...Aliens eh? What can you do with 'em?"
To this day, the missing woman's identity has never been positively established.
"She was as rough as a dog's arse back in 1978," PC Blackcock shuddered. "I'd hate to think what she looks like now. Probably as rough as three dog's arses and a camel's cunt for all I know. But that's the alien Captain's problem, not mine. I'll give him that - he's a braver man than me. Still, I suppose there's no accounting for taste."
More as we get it.