Written by Skoob1999
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Thursday, 5 January 2012

image for Doctors Should Be Allowed To Assist The Terminally Deluded To Die, Says Think Tank
Shuttlecock's Cat - Looking For Him Up A Tree

A government think tank has finally published the results of an investigation, conducted in order to determine whether doctors have a moral responsibility to assist in the demise of the terminally deluded.

One instance cited in the report concerned a post on the Daily Male website from a 'deluded' reader, who appeared to be extremely irritated with 'freeloading' cancer patients, on the grounds that "these people only 'catch' (sic) cancer because they want free cosmetic surgery, or as a shortcut way of losing weight on the NHS. These freeloaders are abusing the system."

It appears to be deluded people of this ilk that the original investigation was targeting, and the think tank concluded that such seriously deluded people should be assisted in shuffling off this mortal coil in mercy killings, supervised by doctors.

The report surprisingly concludes that the most seriously deluded cases in recently recorded history appear to involve people who think they're funny.

With the advent of information technology, it seems that anyone who operates under the delusion that they're remotely funny, appears determined to overload the internet with their inane ramblings, which usually consist of a string of typos, with no coherent thread and an absolute lack of discernable humour, and that such people could be smashed repeatedly in the face with a ham like fist until battered to a bloody pulp, and they'd still think they were funniest thing since Del Boy and Rodney waited, blanket at the ready, to catch the wrong chandelier.

"These people just aren't funny at all," commented grumpy comedian, Jack Dee. "They just churn out drivel and in their deluded state, and then they deludedly imagine that some TV producer is gonna come knocking on their door and offer them their own sit-com. Or sketch show. Or a guest slot on Have I Got News For You...That's the only amusing thing about these deluded people - they really believe it's gonna happen. They should be put down. Brutally. Painfully. Doctors can help with that. They know all about making people suffer."

"These people are talking about me, aren't they?" Enquired local man, Martin Shuttlecock. With a sigh of hopeless resignation, he added: "I just know they're talking about me. But it isn't my fault. Lord knows, I've tried so hard to be funny, witty, amusing, but the truth is, that being a bit of a twat, I'm not really very good at it. I know that Cher Lloyd off the X-Factor follows me on Twatter, but that's probably only because she feels sorry for me. I suppose I'm a tad depressed these days...since the cat died, and that. Pass the cyanide mate - I'll do it meself..."

Alarming development there...

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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