HMP Belmarsh, London; Saturday 11 February 2006 - (Rioters)
Solicitors acting for convicted hate-crime preacher and serial child benefit fraudster Mustafa Kamel Mustafa have issued a statement this morning on behalf of their client - known as Abu Hamza - in which he lays the blame squarely on his long-time secret Mossad controller and financial benefactor Ms J K Rowling:
The statement reads: "She blackmailed me after getting busted by Special Branch for stealing all those Harry Potter titles and being charged with gross plagiarism under the 9/11 Human Rights Act.
"Then she threatened to tell Al-Jazeera TV that my grandfather was Robert Maxwell and to publish photographs showing how I lost both my hands in an act of relatively minor gynaecological indecency with Edwina Curry way back in '91. This despite knowing that Edwina was my personal lifestyle guru and was merely trying to teach me a variation on the tantric yoga position known as the Lotus Eater, which to my horror I subsequently discovered was in fact the Venus Flytrap. As perfected by Ulrika Johnson who holds the global copyright for its patent.
"Then finally Rowling hypnotised me with a Carole Caplin fitness workout video that, unknown to me, turned out to contain subliminal messages recorded by Cherry Bush QC exhorting me to recruit for George Galloway's Respect agenda. When all I really wanted was a Daily Express-sponsored body makeover including a bit of botox and maybe some penile enhancement surgery for the swimwear photoshoot of the Radical Beardie Preacher of the Year Competition.
"So how come I'm now in Belmarsh jail while she gets off scott-free? Swanning round the world still claiming to be the author of all those Harry Potter books when the entire publishing industry knows this is a whopper on a par with Tony Blair being the father of baby Leo? I Mustafa been pretty stupid to have let her shower me with all those dodgy credit cards and Sainsbury's Reward Points."
Hamza's solicitors have declined to comment on media reports that their client has requested and received conjugal visits from Vanessa Feltz or that he was planning the launch of his official memoirs on the Richard and Judy Show later in the year.