Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, a local gerbil breeder, today revealed that he has been approached to act as an intermediary between a man who twatted his wife in the face with a shovel, and the woman, who has been identified by media sources as Shovel Face.
On account of her having a flat, and to be honest, pretty fucked up boat race, as happens when a person has been hit really hard with a shovel.
"I haven't got a clue what that's all about," Shuttlecock told reporters earlier. "And that. Anyway..."
Further investigations by this organ (Skoob News) revealed that the woman involved had been given a serious and severe twatting about the face by her irate husband, on the basis that she'd been conducting an online affair with a nautical man, and that she basically knows nothing about anything, but can't stop talking about it to anyone who's daft enough to listen.
Sources indicate that mental health professionals have made no progress in their attempts to contact Shovel Face - who was last seen going off on one as she hitch-hiked on the A1 southbound on the outskirts of Peterborough - so they approached Shuttlecock and asked him to help.
"I haven't got a clue why they picked on me," a bewildered Shuttlecock told reporters.
Concerns have been raised over Shovel Face's welfare since she fled into the night after being smacked in the face by her shovel wielding husband, not least by former Countdown hostess and current Loose Woman, Carol Vorderman. She said:
"It isn't easy being twatted in the face with a shovel. You end up with a face like a blacksmith's anvil, or a blind welder's bench. Or even the back of a shovel. Or possibly the front - just depends on which side you got twatted with really. I suppose. It isn't good, whichever way you look at it. I'd appeal to Shovel Face to turn herself in and get the appropriate treatment at the first available opportunity. The consequences could be dire - her face could stay like that. And to be honest, I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Christ, she looks like the business end of a cheap trouser press. If she doesn't get that sorted out pretty soon, her career as a soiled underwear saleswoman on the internet is doomed to failure. Even the nautical bloke won't buy into that. Nor will the bloke from Illinois who can't afford shoes, or the Mexican teddy bear throttler with the badly fitting toupee. She needs to seek help ASAP."
Speaking from the custody suite of Hetton Le Hole police station, the husband (Who can't be named here for legal reasons,) announced through his lawyer that he just wanted to smooth things over and resume normal service, and made a heartfelt appeal to Shuttlecock to take the reins and sort things out.
"Shuttlecock, will you please take the reins and sort things out?" he announced through his lawyer.
In response, in a live broadcast from his Hampshire mansion, Shuttlecock announced that he'd do his best, but that he couldn't promise anything, because his beloved Manchester United had lost earlier that day, that it was New Year's Eve, and that he was as fissed as a part.
"Look," he said, as he wobbled about a bit in a brandy induced state of relaxation on his doorstep. "To be honest with yer...and that...I haven't got a fucking clue what all this is about. Anyway...oh, I dunno...what do they want me to do? I'm a reasonable sort of bloke, usually, when I haven't been on the Stella. I'd just advise the silly bastards to communicate. Not difficult. *Hic* Anyway - I hope that woman gets over having a mug like a big, well hammered anvil, and comes in for treatment. No fucker deserves a boat race that would scare a gang of hoodies off. It's just not right. And as for the accused - it's just wrong to twat your wife with a shovel just because she's annoying. Maybe he should have set her feet on fire or something. And as for the nautical bloke - he could always borrow a pair of bollocks off Shovel Face, eat shit, and admit he fucked up. That ought to sort it. Excuse me ladies and gentlemen...I think I'm gonna be sick..."
"It's been a long day," Shuttlecock's long suffering wife Anne concluded. "So long that it spans two whole years. Please excuse him because he's even dafter than usual, what with all the cooking and that. And feeding the fruit bats. Plus, the snow leopard scratched him, so he's not in the best of moods. But he's open to reasonable communications. Providing they aren't abusive. Other than that, he's basically the same twat that he always was. Happy new year everyone. Now fuck off."
More as we get it.
Although we have no idea why.