David Cameron's New Years Resolutions for last year have been callously revealed by a former policeman who was recently made redundant by the News of the World.
Ronnie, The Policeman has revealed that David Cameron only had four resolutions but they were fantastic woo woo, and slightly bizarre. And this is what they were:
He resolved to eat more vegetables
To talk to the cat more often
To be nicer to Nick Clegg
And...to be honest about his unrequited love for Angela Merkel
The last one is the most sensational. No one has ever declared love for Angela, other than her husband, since her wedding day in 1928 when the priest stopped the wedding to say he could not marry Angela to her husband Herbert, because he himself loved Angela more. But Ronnie revealed that David Cameron loved her like he'd loved no other since Margaret Thatcher in the 80s.
"She's a Financial Tower of Wonder" Said David in his leaked diaries from 2010. "I want to be with her always so we can learn about global financial dominance together and then take over the world. But not in a Hitler Way. Just in a gay way. Like jolly japesters filling the world with economic joy"
That was in 2010, but oh how things have changed. Angela's financial plan for world dominance has been crushed, and the Euro has fallen. But does David love her any less now?
Well, that's something we may never know, because the News of the World have closed and no one is tapping telephone calls, anymore.
Damn. I really wanted to know that. But seeing as I don't know, I'll just make it up.
Angela was devastated by the collapse of the Euro and David phoned her up and said "Don't worry Angela, I'll sell a bank for you. I'll sell Northern Rock to Richard Branson and I'll tell the country we made a loss. But really I'll have given all the money to you to save Europe so you can continue to be the Queen of Euroland, just like you should be.
Okay, that possibly never, happened. But its a nicer story than "David Cameron sold our bank, and we didn't make a profit."
Angela, has refused to comment but she has bought a Caribbean Island that has recently been damaged by fire. Perhaps that was part of the deal.
By Katarina Frogpond.