Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Domestic abuse

Saturday, 31 December 2011

image for Woman Left Permanently Disfigured After Long Suffering Husband Smashed Her Face In With A Shovel
A Spade Is A Spade Is A Shovel.

A Hetton Le Hole woman has gone into hiding following a ferocious assault on her person by her own husband. Who reportedly smashed her in the face really hard with a shovel.

A Family Liaison Officer was despatched to the scene, where the man was arrested by a bunch of giggling police officers, but not before his wife had fled into the night.

It is thought that a domestic situation spiralled out of control at a New Year's Eve party, which culminated in the man going up the garden shed, taking a garden shovel in hand, returning to the house and smashing his wife in the face with the shovel.

Neighbour, Ed Wood, told reporters: "It was awful! I heard screaming, and then a fucking great clanging sound, then **** came running out screaming. He must have fucking lamped her a reet good un, coz her face was, like, battered flat. Like an anvil or summat. Mind, she allus was an ugly cow - but now she's even worse! It's ironic really. It was funny, mind, watchin' her gan running doon the street with her big flat boat race and her bingo wings flapping like that. She looked just like a crazed pterodactyl. Or something."

A police spokesman told reporters that a massive hunt was being conducted for a person described only as "Shovel Face" adding that it was vital that they find her in order to obtain medical attention.

"People who get slammed in the mush with a shovel tend to contract hyperactivity of the bile gland in the aftermath. And that can be life threatening. I'd like to appeal to Shovel Face to call the emergency services immediately. Either that, or do the decent thing and stick a big bag over her fuckin' heed."

As the hunt goes on for Shovel Face, a lawyer, speaking on behalf off the woman's incarcerated husband told a press conference:

"My client admits the charge that he did indeed twat his wife with great gusto about the face with a shovel, but he pleads that he did so under extreme provocation. He alleges that his spouse was conducting a torrid online affair with a nautical man, but that he could deal with that. It appears that copious quantities of drink were involved, and that the final straw came about when my client became exasperated by his wife's relentless outpourings of lies, bollocks and bullshit in various arenas, so in a final desperate act, he twatted her with the shovel. We're confident of at the very least a conditional discharge, and at best, an OBE, because Shovel Face has been a pain in the arse for as long as anyone's ever known her."

Shovel Face is still on the run.

She was last spotted running across a roundabout in Morpeth shouting: "Bastards! You're all bastards! Bastards and backstabbers!"

Anyone with information is advised to call 555-5545 and ask for the police.

This organ would like to make it public that it in no way endorses or encourages domestic violence. Not even in the most extreme cases.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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