Written by Alan Bama
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Thursday, 29 December 2011

image for Modern Physics is Simply Made Up
A century of physics and astronomy is wrongheaded

Almost all of modern physics is simply wrong says a new UK government report written by top academics. They argue that about a hundred years ago physics took a wrong turn and has consequently had to invent more and more bizarre theories to keep the show on the road consistently.

"There is no need for sub-atomic particles or that large hadron collider", says Professor Brian Cox of the University of Manchester, one of the reports lead authors."We could save millions of pounds a week and spend it on the arts and crafts" he said. "Basically physicists just make stuff up and stay one page ahead of the funding authorities! We need to rewind and delete 100 years of piffle!"

A number of politicians have expressed private concerns that the total spending on physics and astronomy has grown disproportionately. They feel the government should do more for useful topics like engineering, design and information technology. There is not a single scientist in the ranks Tory party MPs though, and the Lib Dems just cant understand science. It makes their heads hurt. "As a result of this intellectual vacuum at the heart of government the civil service just keeps the physics band wagon rolling" said Sir David Attenborough, 92, a co-author of the report.

"Its really like the King's new clothes!" exclaimed Cox. "Physics actually ended properly in 1905 with five seminal papers from Einstein: everything after that is just muddled and unnecessary. In most cases it is plain wrong!"

The Institute of Physics hit back saying that its 30,000 members, all with degrees in Physics taken during the now discredited past century, cannot be wrong. "Our members love this mad stuff!'

Privately senior scientists from the Royal Society within other disciplines insist that Physics has overplayed a very weak hand and the squandering of almost a trillion pounds on CERN's Large Hadron Collider, during a period of economic tightening, has proved their undoing. "First neutrinos are measured moving faster than the speed of light, and then next they cant find the Higgs! Its a complete fiasco! We are going backwards" said TV's racist anti-scientist David Starkey, 68, former Beatles drummer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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