HRH Prince Phillip, husband of HM the Queen, has barricaded himself into Papworth hospital and is refusing to leave and return to festivities at Sandringham. Despite visits form all four royal; children he remains steadfast in his desire to escape another "bloody Royal Christmas".
Problems are thought to have arisen around the Queen's desire to open family presents on Xmas eve, to all go to church on Xmas morn, to flaunt their holiday videos on prime time TV, and to have the PM David Cameron and his wife, Samantha, to stay.
"Why cant we be like any and every other family?" wailed Philip before being strong armed into a helicopter and whisked to Papworth to get his teeth cleaned. "All I want is to get nicely pissed with my feet up. I'm ninety for Christ's sake. And I don't want to go to church: the clergy are all either lefties or gay! Let Charles go."
Prince Phillip was brought up in the Greek Royal family and is used to opening his presents on Christmas morning like everybody else. He regards Charles as a duffer. "Why cant Sarah Ferguson join us like the old days?" he called to reporters.