Trafalgar Square, London: In an astonishing blitz-attack thieves nicked the huge Norwegian Christmas Tree standing in Trafalger Square. It was last seen speeding towards the M25 on the back of a low-loader and then disappeared behind a motorway lay-by.
The only birds-eye witness to the shocking crime was Nelson, but he was unavailable to give a statement because his one eye was smothered with pigeons crap.
Other inhabitants living near the M25 lay-by area could hear the sound of chain saws through the night and also gave testament to the fact that several hundred illegal immigrants were living in bushes in the vicinity.
The police, faster than the speed of light given from David's star hanging over Jesus's crib, gave the following statement: "We at the Met have followed up the statements given and have only found wood shavings lying on the ground mixed with used condoms and other despicable articles, but evidence that the tree was actually sawn up and used as firewood is not available apart from the smoke signals coming from over yonder (?)."
As for the low loader there was a report of a nicked one from Fred Murphy's construction company who employ many visitors from Eastern Europe, but Fred (of Irish/Iraqi descent) refused to admit that a low-loader was removed from his yard (I wonder why?).
A new plastic tree has been erected under Nelson and his one eye has also been cleaned, at least the police will now have a reliable witness if someone attempts to nick the plastic one!
More as we get it...